Simeon's Inquest

It was Saturday 3rd January 2009, the day after mum's birthday, 2 days before her funeral and 8 days after she passed away. Sim broke the little window above his bedroom door. He made a noose from the purpose bought tow rope and through it through the hole. He stood on a chair, put the noose around his neck and then kicked the chair away. It took 20 to 30 seconds for him to die.
He had taken no drugs, he had drank no alcohol, he was just depressed and determined to end his own life.
He had friends and family that were willing to support him through such a difficult time, he had people who cared. The people he worked with thought very highly of him and showed every concern. Yet he couldn't see a way forward, he couldn't see a future for himself.

It's hard to understand but even though I'd not had much to do with Sim for the last 10 years I do feel that I knew him better than most. He had problems that were often hidden from others, or if observed most certainly misunderstood. His problems were never acknowledged properly, they were not spoken about. I know that he relied only on mum, she was the only one he could trust. It's all very complicated and I carry the old family tradition by refusing to talk freely about it all, but I did try to convince them that he needed professional help years ago. Then things happened and I was pushed out of the family for a long time. When I was re-united I never felt it was my place to mention the problems again. To be honest, I couldn't talk about them. Just as I can't talk about them now.

Simeon took his own life because he couldn't live without mum, he believed she was the only person who understood him, who could help him live with his problems. In his mixed up mind he had to do what he did, he had no choice.

When someone dies like this you have all these thoughts in your mind. My nephew was hoping that he was inebriated in some way. He was the one who had found him and cut him down and he had been so traumatized he just wanted to know that it had been relatively painless. He had even convinced himself that death had been instant and that the fall had broken his neck. In my mind I was hoping he was right, so it does come as a shock when you find out that he was not drugged or drunk, he felt everything for the whole 20-30 seconds.

20-30 seconds is not a long time is it? Or is it? I've been punishing my mind by thinking in terms of 20-30 seconds all day. It can feel like an incredibly long time.

Just before his death Sim confessed to me that he believed he may have cancer, maybe it was something he feared. He did not have cancer, he was quite healthy apart from a slight thickening of the arteries from his occasional smoking and poor diet.

They time his death around 10-11am. That was a relief to me because I worried that I may have been able to help if I'd done something sooner. But I didn't realise there was something wrong until at least 5 hours later, so my delay in raising the alarm would not have made any difference. I can scrub that guilt.

Sim's last text to me was the night before he died: I've ordered a curry but I still miss mum.

He never ate that curry.

My last text to Sim: Where are you? Why won't you answer your phone?

Answer: because he was swinging from his bedroom door frame