Sunday, 27 September 2009


I'm not very good at making friends, that's why I don't have many, but I prefer it that way.
My oldest friend is one I met when my older kids were young. We don't see each other that much now but we still keep in touch and I still consider her friend. If she needed me I'd drop everything to help. We've just slipped into different lifestyles. Her kids have grown up and she works full time, while I'm stuck at home with my little ones.

My Sister-in-law is a good friend, we have drifted more a little recently (again kids, as we used to go and visit quite a lot in the evenings but can't so much now, and she still has school aged kids too.)

I have two friends from my last place of work and even though I haven't worked for 10 years we still keep in touch and try and meet up at least a few times each year. I never want to lose touch with these friends they mean a lot to me, even though we don't see each other much.

I have lots of online friends, some I've known now for many years, but most I've only met once or twice (Some not at all). I have online friends I know I can trust and turn to whenever I need help or advice, some have shown incredible kindness so I cannot think of them as just virtual friends, they are real friends that don't get to see that often, although I can talk to them daily.

I met up with an online friend about 5 years ago and we just clicked. (That doesn't happen too often with me as I said before I'm not very good at making friends) We don't live too far away from each other and try to see each other when we can, maybe not as often as a lot of friends but I've never been the type to see my friends every day. Not like SIL, she always has friends around, or is at a friends house or on the phone to a friend. I'm just not like that, sadly I like being alone too much.

Through my last mentioned friend I have met two other good friends, one I only see on special occasions but I do feel as though I have clicked with her and consider her a friend. The other again I only saw on special occasions but have recently got to know her better and I really like her.

So there it is, I only have a handful of friends but the friends I make are special to me and always will be.

Thursday, 24 September 2009


A friend posted a link for free tickets to the Grand Designs exhibition at the NEC todayon Facebook. It made me cry. Last year I snapped up the free tickets and grabbed one for mum too. It was the last time I managed to take her out before she became really ill. We had a lovely day, the exhibition wasn't of great interest but there was some freebies to grab, it was just great to get out and about and do something different. Mum really enjoyed it even though she was stuck in her wheelchair most of the day. I can't believe it was a year ago, it seems like yesterday. In fact it feels like time has stood still since mum died. Thoughts of her occupy my mind so much I can't focus on other events. Soon it will be Christmas and I really don't know how I'm going to cope. I just keep telling myself I have to think of the kids, Christmas is for them really and we have to celebrate. I'm hoping I can keep my sadness to myself so I don't spoil it for anyone else.

When is time going to do that healing thing it's renouned for?

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Once Bitten........

I've been in pain all week with my elbows swollen up double their size. The reason for this? An allergic reaction to horsefly bites. I knew what it was straight away because it's not the first time it's happened. Luckily it's not something that happens too often. I got bitten last Sunday while out geocaching (it was a really good find on a lovely walk). I had seen the horseflys around so I guessed I'd probably been bitten. I must have been pretty unlucky to have been bitten on both elbows. I also got one on my right ankle which meant I was unable to wear my shoes. The first couple of days I felt naseaus and woozy too, not nice at all. It's practically all healed up now though. So now I'm thinking my new hobby may have some drawbacks.

On a completely different subject, but going back to my old post, I've talked to my auntie again about the grave and I think for now she's feeling a little calmer and is not going ahead with moving nan out (phew) I'm thinking she may have made some enquiries and been a little shocked at the cost, it must be pretty expensive. I went to the grave on Sunday and despite the stupid fence it looked really nice. I'd bought fresh flowers but the nice weather had kept the older flowers looking quite nice too, so it was really full and colourful. I'd bought some gladioli and I wasn't sure how they would look but there is this really tall vase and they looked lovely just placed in there. Even my aunties fabric flowers looked nice, she'd picked some really tasteful ones this time. It made me feel a lot better. I had a word with mum and nan about my aunt and asked them to help me out.

Monday, 7 September 2009

More Grave Stuff

I honestly don't know what to think about all this now, as if grief isn't bad enough. I posted in July about the saga of my aunt and her fabric flowers back in July, well, it's happened again only this time she claimed the pot was taken as well as the flowers. So she and her sister (Another of my aunts, of course) have bought another pot and refilled it, and they have built a fence around nan's part of the grave (She has a stone in the middle where her casket of ashes was buried). I went to see and it looks ridiculous. I can just imagine what mum would say, and nan for that matter. I had a little chat with them while I was there. (oh and while I was there I found the 'missing' flower pot???) My aunt is now insisting that someone does not want nan to be buried with my mum and is sabotaging her part of the grave purpously. Absolutely bloody ridiculous. There is no-one at all that would object to nan being there, everyone who loved mum loved nan too. So my aunt has already started the ball rolling on getting nan out of there. I'm really at a loss as what to do. I don't want nan removed purely because I know, as in I talked about it with nan and mum before they died, that being there together was what they both wanted. My mum would be utterly heartbroken if she could see what was going on.

I have a theory or two of my own. I know my auntie was jealous of mum's relationship with their mum (nan), my mum was the oldest, my aunt the youngest and between the two of them they were the closest to nan out of all her eight children. There was always a lot of jealousy while everyone was alive which often caused fallings out. Especially when they would all go on holiday together. When nan died the family drifted apart and when we had our troubles within our family (i.e. me, mum and my brothers) it was a perfect excuse for the rest of the family to take sides and this particularly auntie was one who sided against her. I'm thinking that now she is planning some revenge on mum by having nan taken away from her. It sounds crazy I know, but I think I know my family well enough to know how they work.

However, if that is not her reason, or maybe her main reason or one that she would ever admit to, the other theory is that she knows (I don't know how) that my younger brother's ashes were buried there too and she must be mad as hell that nan is buried with him. The truth is nan adored my younger brother, and he adored her, I know in my heart that nan would be happy with the set up, it's just the rest of the family who can't accept it.

So here I am, now over 8 months since losing them and I'm feeling just as depressed as ever. What ever happened to rest in peace? Why can't they just leave them alone? What can I do? I really need to go and speak to my aunt face to face, but I will have to be honest with her and I know she's not going to like it, and up until all of this she was my favourite auntie from when I was little, and she was someone I could turn to when I wasn't talking to mum. I feel just as bad by opposing her, but I don't think I can rest until I've said my piece.

Thursday, 3 September 2009

Back To School

Well, the holidays are over already and today was Lucy's first day in reception class.
She looked lovely in her new uniform (I wonder how long it will stay looking good?) and her new shoes which took us two days of traipsing around the shops to find.
After a nervous start she seemed to settle pretty quickly. She was confused at first because I think she thought she was going back to nursery. It was helpful that two of the nursery teachers have moved up to reception too. She was quite happy to be left and a quick peek in the window on the way home assured us she was happy as she was chatting with a friend and grinning.

The day went quickly even though the house was so much quieter without her. When we went to pick her up she looked like she'd been in the wars as she had fallen off a bike and hurt her cheek and her foot. She was still happy though and managed to stay awake until bedtime (just about)