Saturday, 25 December 2010
I went to the cemetery yesterday, the first time I'd managed all week because of the snow. I went on my own and had a good chat with mum. The grave was covered with so many wreaths that they were mostly standing upright as there was no room for them to lie flat. A sign of a grave full of people sorely missed and greatly loved. It made my heart warm to see wreaths for my brother too. It also made me sad because he believed that no-one would ever be there for him and it is proof that he was wrong.
Anyway, sadness aside it's been a good day today. We got up around 6.30am when the little ones all seemed to stir at the same time. The girls were so excited when they saw all the presents Santa had left them. We soon got into an uwrapping frenzy, even little Joseph was buried in gifts.
Dinner was good, although I felt like I was in the kitchen most of the day. Everyone ate all they were given except Lucy. She probably would have been happier with chicken dippers! She did eat her vegetables though. We even managed pudding, traditional for me and Graham, chocolate for the others.
The girls have been good 99% of the day, not bad going really. Joseph is still not well so he's been a bit moody at times, and tonight he was very sick again. I hope he will get better soon.
My friend didn't make it out of hospital which is sad. I hope she starts recovering soon, she must miss her little ones so much.
So that's another Christmas day over, is it really worth all the effort put into it? Well, the girls faces when they got up this morning was enough to make me say yes. There is nothing like little ones who still believe in Santa at Christmas time, magical
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Lucy went to school and enjoyed her Christmas party and she did one show of the nativity play, but then she got sick too and had to stay home the last two days. I didn't get to see her nativity because of Leila being sick. I was gutted. I had planned to go to the second show but Lucy didn't make it.
Joseph was also poorly so I had a nightmare of a week, stuck indoors with poorly miserable children and they are still not well now. Just as I think they are improving they start getting worse again. Mostly Leila and Joseph, Lucy seems to be holding it off better. Fingers crossed they are well by the end of the week or we'll be in for a moody Christmas.
This week I had lots of plans, we were going to the Frankfurt market in town, visiting Santa's grotto, visiting family and going to the cemetary. The shopping was sorted online and delivery slot booked, and all presents bought and ready for wrapping. I thought it was going to be a breeze. But then came the snow, and it snowed and snowed. Then it stopped snowing but it's been freezing so it's just not going away. We haven't been out anywhere that I'd planned, and the shopping delivery was cancelled. I had to brave the icy roads to go and get some food. Not the week I'd imagined/planned for at all.
But then something happens that puts things into perspective and makes me feel guilty for complaining. My dear friend is in hospital with pneumonia. She has two young children left at home in the care of her grown up son. She has a grown up daughter but she's really poorly too. I hope and pray that she will be well enough to be home again with her children for Christmas.
Thursday, 9 December 2010
On a completely different subject, since having Joseph we've had his pushchair in the lie down position and we got to wondering how you made the seat sit up. I tried to work it out, then Graham had a go and together we were trying for about 1/2 hour. We then decided that their was a piece missing and began hunting for said piece. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had a vague memory of being able to sit the pushchair up when I first bought it, and this memory held nothing of a part which I'd removed, or even could be removed. So this evening I got the pushchair out to have another go and guess what? I did it!
So what did I do that was so difficult we couldn't work it out?
I lifted the seat upright until it clicked into position.
Seriously, that's all we had to do. Then you press a little plastic clip on each side and it lies back down again. So simple....so what does that make us? Stooooopid!
Anyway, Joseph's not ready to sit up just yet :-)
Another completely different subject (I'm all over the shop tonight) Lucy came home with a letter from school that she'd written herself. It was an invitation to see her in the school nativity play.
It was addressed to Daddy and Grandad.
I felt heartbroken.
I asked her why I wasn't invited and she said I had to stay home to look after Joseph as no-one wanted a crying baby in the audience.
Why couldn't daddy look after Joseph? Or even nanny or grandad?
Wednesday, 1 December 2010
I've been neglecting this blog recently, not knowing what to write. Two years ago I was going through such a traumatic time this blog became my crutch, a place of release where I could put down all my feelings, I truly understood the meaning of blogtherapy (ok it's a made up word, but it does make sense)
Now, well in comparison I feel like Mrs Boring Boredom of Boringville. Just another mum going about her daily business. I'm not complaining though, I never want to go through any thing like that again, it still hurts so much now, especially this time of year when it was all beginning. I got through last year high on new pregnancy hormones, this year I'm more worried, scared that I'm not going to survive the holiday season while at the same time scared that I might actually enjoy it. And I don't know which is worse.
Friday, 12 November 2010
Life is getting back on track, looking after three little ones is not so bad, in fact I sometimes think looking after the big ones is harder, I just can't please them.
Leila has settled in well at nursery and she really loves it, problem is she's also picking up some of the less desirable behaviours of the other children. One of the things I really don't like about schools, you spend all your time teaching your child how wrong it is to hit and scratch and punch, but then they go off to school and see other kids doing it and go ahead and copy. *sigh*
I've had a meeting with Lucy's teachers and taken her to the drs where she has been referred to a child pyschologist for assessment.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
I think she did really well, I doubt her daddy wouldn't have found it so easily.
I also think it's so nice that she remembers nanny, and knows where she is.
I just wish that nanny could see her and her sister and brother now.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Things have been a little hectic with having a baby and a shop to look after. Both are doing well.
Today I want to go back in time some 17 years. My eldest son was settling in school and doing well, so I thought. That was until his teacher called me to one side and suggested that he was having difficulty mixing with the other children. He wasn't unhappy, he just preferred to spend time on his own. Also, he would drift off into a world of his own and sometimes it was difficult to reach him. His school work was fine and above average, but he couldn't cope with changes of routine, and he also had problems with dexterity, particularly in dressing himself. The teacher suggested that I do him to see a psychologist to see if there was an underlying problem.
I was angry, upset, confused and a whole heap of other emotions. Of course I had noticed there was something 'different' about him, I just didn't want anybody else to notice, and I didn't want it pointed out to me. I ignored the teacher and paid for my stupidity later when he really had problems at school. He was 12 yrs old when he was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism.
Now back to the future. Lucy's teacher is saying the same about her.
Had I noticed? Yes.
Am I going to something about it? I guess I should learn by my mistakes.
Is my heart heavy? yes.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
I hate to think that my brother felt so low. Unfortunately there has been no improvement in the situation that drove him to this act so I am constantly in a state of worry. History has taught me that I'm not much good at preventing people from taking their own lives, it's not something readily taught but I'd willingly take lessons.
On a lighter note:
On Tuesday's my eldest son has to go into town for a group meeting. I took him to the station this morning and only when he called me 45 minutes later did I realise that I had taken a phone call last week saying that this weeks meeting was cancelled....oooops! So he decided to do a little shopping and only when he called him half hour later did I remember that I had his debit card in my purse after using it the weekend and forgetting to give it him back...oooops again! So I went to pick him up and expected him to be really upset with me, but he wasn't so that was a nice surprise. It goes to show how much he has changed over the years, in fact it's hard to believe how stressed and violent he used to be, he never went out alone and the slightest upset would end up with the whole family paying for it. I feel quite proud of him now. I'm also happy that we didn't go down the medication route to improvement, most of it has come from him joining Aspire (Autism West Midlands)
To make up for my earlier mistakes I took him shopping and he bought himself a new Playstation3. We now have two working models, one for upstairs, one for downstairs and 1 broken one.
Monday, 13 September 2010
It's strange to see how differently the girls react to him. Leila adores him and constantly wants to touch him and kiss him. Lucy just can't be bothered. I'm not sure why, maybe Lucy is less interested because she's been through it all before with Leila? Maybe it's the ages? Maybe Leila is the way she is because she is jealous? Should I get my old pyschology books out and go over sibling rivalry again?
With Joseph around life has become a cycle of feeding, changing, sleeping (or trying to) and not much else. It's still early days though so maybe things will get a little more interesting again around here and I'll have more to write about.
I do try and work on my shop as often as I can so please do take a look, I've lots of lovely new stock.
Bump To Bundle
Thursday, 2 September 2010
OK lets go back a few weeks. Just over four weeks ago I went to the hospital for a scan to see what my situation was regarding size of baby and amount of liquor surrounding him. They found the little blighter had done a bit of a turnaround and was now breach. Suddenly I found myself booked in for an elective Cesarean Section. On 9th of August at 9.50am my little man, Joseph Frederick Sweet was born by previously arranged operation. The operation was great, I honestly did not feel a thing and was suitably distracted from the fact that my insides where fully open and on display below the screen across my chest. The recovery was not so great, I never want to go through that again, not that I ever will.
Joseph is amazing, he's a proper little man and already looks so much like his daddy. He's not a good sleeper and he cries a lot, but he's a fantastic cuddly little bundle of sweetness.
|1 day old|
So August was busy and passed in a blur. It's scary thinking of the future, 3 birthdays in four weeks!!!
I hope you can forgive me for not writing sooner.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Lunchtime her little friends arrived and as I'd planned a picnic they decided they wanted it in the playhouse. I couldn't manage a party (38+ weeks pregnant) but she did have lots of fun with her friends. We had a princess birthday cake and sang happy birthday while she blew out her candles.
She really enjoyed her day and when I took her to bed she had to go over everything that we had done, she was so excited.
Happy Birthday Leila, my precious little girl who does something that makes me smile/laugh every single day.
I love you so much xxx
|Leila's birthday picnic|
Friday, 23 July 2010
After ordering the dress for Lucy I decided it would only be fair to order Leila one too, hers is a gorgeous flowery print with a white top with two flowers and a butterfly, it truly is stunning. I love both of them and the girls love them too. (In fact I had a bit of a struggle to get them off after letting them try them on, but I want to keep them nice for Leila's birthday picnic next week.)
This is the site I bought them from http://www.minoredition.co.uk/
In other news, I've only got 17 days left of this pregnancy!! I've been having a few problems again and I'm back at the hospital on Monday for my tests results. Fingers crossed they were just being over precautious and everything is ok.
So next week it's Leila's 3rd birthday, where does the time go? She's off to nursery in September, full time, and Lucy will be in yr1 at school. I'll be busy at home with baby Joseph and my shop.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
I've also decided to sell Eurobambino highchairs because I really like them. And I'm looking to add baby toys and maybe a section on sibling gifts for the new arrivals brothers and/or sisters.
Doing all this has been a big distraction to the rest of my life which is just what I need right now. I like to be busy and the time is just flying by. I currently have just 26 days left of this pregnancy, no time at all really.
Lucy breaks up from school next week so things are going to be a bit different as I juggle trying to work online while looking after two toddlers and then a new baby pretty soon. Yep, the future looks pretty busy.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
If I wasn't pregnant then I'd be seriously considering returning to work. I'd love to go back to work, I'd do anything but I'd be really chuffed to get a job back at the university. I don't think I could leave a baby at home though, so I'll just have to wait a bit longer. My dream would be for my online shop to take off so well that I could actually get premises and run my own shop. Who knows, I'm usually quite optimistic so maybe it's something I could work towards.
I've been really busy working on the shop, I'm currently setting up a new website as the one I currently have doesn't fit my needs. So much for jumping in without much research, oh well, lesson learnt.
Sunday, 4 July 2010
The one day we decided just to take the bus into town. When we got there I realised we'd left my brother's coat on the bus. I was worried about what my mum would say when we got home and it put me in a mood for the day. A couple of hours later we caught the bus home and there right were we had left it was my brother's coat. The chances of catching the same bus were so minimal, it must have been my lucky day.
It all seems like a lifetime away now.
In memory of my brother who would have 37 today!
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
And now my little girl is a woman, it's almost too hard to believe. 21 years may seem like a long time, but it's not when you are watching your baby grow.
She probably won't read this but I wanted to dedicate this post to her. Her life has been troublesome at times but she's pulled through and I'm so proud of her. She has achieved loads but I know she can go further and have a wonderful future. It's what she deserves.
So happy birthday to my first daughter, I wish you everything you ever dreamed of, and I love you more than words can say.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
I'm also writing a blog about my venture.
In other news, the rest of this week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I have my ante natal appointment to see if little man is growing or not. They were a bit concerned about his growth last visit so fingers tightly crossed that he's ok.
Thursday my ex husband comes over from France for our daughters 21st Birthday next week. That will be two adult children that I have..eeek!
Friday I'm going to be busy with shopping and cleaning.
Saturday I'm having a BBQ party so there will be lots of preparation followed by a fun evening (hopefully) at least it looks like the weather is going to be nice. Probably so nice I won't be able to go outside as it will be too hot for me.
So this week will probably pass quickly and I'll be one week closer to meeting my little man. I can't wait to meet him, but I'm not willing him to come early. He's due at the perfect time (School holidays and inbetween other birthdays) so no rush. Just beginning to feel a little excitement now.
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
So instead I'll give you a rundown of the last week. Firstly, I'm still feeling a bit low, not as bad as I was but I've only got the hormones to blame.
My lovely brother and his wife have split up. She had a gastric bypass about 18 months ago and went from a size 20 to a size 10. Then she went and got herself a new boyfriend and kicked my brother out. It's the kids I feel for most, they are not taking it very well. I'm sure my brother will pick himself up, it's always hard at first but I honestly think they will be better off without each other in the long run. I just hope he doesn't go and do anything stupid, he's tried before.
Today my travel system turned up (7.30am) I've been stressing out so much about it, it's such a relief that it's finally here. I'm really pleased with it too.Ok it's not one of the fancier pushchairs, and I did have my eye on another one, but as I was about £400 short of the cost I had to make do. But it doesn't feel like making do because I'm happy with it.
I've been working so hard on my online shop Sweetbabylula but I've yet to reap any rewards. It's early days yet though so my fingers are crossed. I wish I could afford to pay for advertising but I can't yet, as soon as I've earned enough it will go on advertising so I can hopefully earn more. It's keeping me busy and distracted anyway, which is good.
I've been having a few more problems with my pregnancy but you can read about that in my pregnancy journal I'm feeling a little rough, but as long as baby is ok then I can cope.
ON Sunday we had a day out at the local farm open day. The sun was lovely and they had lots to see and do. The girls had a go on the bouncy castle, decorated cookies, played music and watched a very un-pc Punch and Judy show. We got home about 1/2 hour before the storms started!
So that's my week. This week I don't have much planned but next week my ex husband is coming over from France for our daughters 21st birthday. I'm having a BBQ a week on Saturday so fingers crossed for sunny weather.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Then I have to run my eldest daughter to work and pick her up, my eldest son to work and pick him up, my OH to the jobcentre and back, visit the shops twice and do the school run in the pouring rain. I've barely had 5 mins to myself.
Then this afternoon I had my ante natal appointment and first find out that I have +4 blood and +2 protein in my urine. They've sent the sample for further testing and the mw will call me when the results come back.
Then she checks my blood results from 28 weeks and I'm anaemic 9.2, so I have to take iron tablets.
Then she has a feel of baby and measures my fundal height. I know it's not completely accurate but he's only grown 1cm in 3 weeks when he should have grown 3cm. So I have to go back in 2 weeks to see if he's back on track.
He is moving loads though, and head down (although not engaged yet) and his heartbeat was good and strong.
Then to top off my day, this evening Graham deserted me so I had to bath two very tired and stressed out kids (Lucy is a nightmare when she's tired and she'd been up since 4am and at school all day) get them ready for bed and take them to bed without his help. I had to phone him to come home so I could go and pick up my eldest from work. It's only a 1/2hour walk but there was a big storm and she would have been soaked through. When I got back I cooked her dinner, cleaned up (usually do this before girls go to bed but didn't get the chance tonight) washed up and sorted out the washing and clothes for tomorrow all while Graham sat watching the tv. After, I collapsed on the sofa and said I'd love a cup of tea, but he said sorry I promised John (his brother) I'd cut his hair and he just walked out. I know that's the last I'll see of him tonight.
Oh and I've just filed a dispute with Paypal because after buying a new travel system off Ebay I've not recieved it, and I've had no replies to any of my e-mails to the seller so it looks like I've been ripped off. If I don't get my money back I don't have any more to buy another one.
So I'm sitting here now feeling tearful and trying to tell myself that things could be much worse. I think I'll just go to bed and pray tomorrow is a better day.
Sunday, 6 June 2010
I've just sent my shop live and I would so appreciate anyone reading this to give it a look and any feedback would be most grateful. You could always use the contact form on the site so I can test that works too. And of course the shop is live now and I am able to take orders if anything takes your eye :-)
So here it is; SweetBabyLula
Fingers crossed for very few teething problems.
Also, I've started a new blog to record everything from now on. So if you might think this is something you'd be interested in doing then you can follow my progress. The blog is here
Now I just have to wait for those orders to start rolling in.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
Well, mood wise, I'm still a bit of an emotional roller coaster. There is too much going on in my head to even think of what I'm actually feeling, it's no wonder I'm so confused. Most of the time though I'm just focusing on my lovely children and getting by, and of course I'm looking forward to meeting my little man, I just hope it's not too soon.
We went to the Baby Show at the weekend, it was a long and tiring day but it went well. I was shattered when we got back, I sent Graham to the chip shop, watched Dr Who and went to bed with the girls.
Then on Monday I had to take my car (Vicky the V reg Vauxhall Vectra) for her MOT and lo and behold she passed!!! I'd already tapped my son for £300 and was praying it wouldn't cost any more. So for once I had reason to celebrate. And I rewarded Vicky with a good clean, that's the least she deserves. Who would have thought that my brother's last gift to me would keep going without any trouble for so long.
So that's my news for now. If I had decided to write this blog post this morning it probably would have turned out very different as I was in a foul mood, but right now I can hear my bed calling and the longing for sleep overpowers the mood swings.
Friday, 14 May 2010
I have a busy day today and already I'm feeling tired. I didn't get much sleep last night as Leila had an earache and kept waking up. I'm tiolet training her again at the mo. She was doing great before we went on holiday but it all went wrong while we were away. Firstly there was the train journey, I thought she would be ok as, although it was a long journey, there were tiolets. I took her to the toilet soon after the train started and she seemed quite happy to use it, then during the next two hours she wet herself twice and poo'd herself just 10 mins before we were due to get off. She got off the train in a nappy and a t-shirt. I was really stressed. Once in the caravan she showed interest in the tiolet but soon wet herself. So by the end of the second day I was fast running out of clothes for her so I bought some nappies. When we got back home things didn't get any better, she was point blank refusing to use the toilet. As I was already feeling down I left her for a week in nappies, but now we are starting again from scratch.
Yesterday I went and picked up a rocking crib for the new baby. It was bigger than I expected so we had to rearrange the bedroom. So now I have a constant reminder that there will soon be another family member.
Next week it's the Baby Show. I managed to get some free tickets and I've just got my Health in Pregnancy grant through, so it will be time to get the rest of the stuff for the baby. Although I'm thinking the pram/pushchair will have to wait a little longer.
Money is a big worry at the moment. Not only is Graham still out of work, but Cassie has now had her Jobseekers allowence suspended. They said she wasn't trying hard enough to find a job? She only sends off 3 to 5 job applications a week, what do they want her to do? I wish they would actually help her find a job, she does want to work so desperately, and I think it would do her good. Now she's stuck with no money and course fees of £135 per month to pay. I'm struggling to keep her for nothing, so there is no way I can afford her course fees as well. What a nightmare. Please everyone cross your fingers she gets a job soon.
BTW, she's only been claiming Jobseekers 3 months, she's not a scrounger.
Friday, 7 May 2010
The holiday was great, we had some lovely weather at the beginning of the week and stayed a few extra days despite the weather turning not so good. We had a really relaxing time and it was a real stress buster for me.
I haven't come home feeling relaxed though. I seem to be more stressed than ever and I'm not coping too well at all. Everything is just too much for me at the moment and with just over 13 weeks to go until Joseph's arrival I'm getting really panicky, when I believe I should be getting excited.
I'm sure I'll be on my way up again soon though, I have to be, I'm like a rubber ball, I keep bouncing back.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
I'm really happy because I had a really good consultant appointment on Monday and it looks like all is going to be well with little man Joseph and me. I'm gettin excited now and can't wait to meet him. I'm a bit worried that I've not bought much, but there is plenty of time yet and I wanted to have a good spend at the BabyShow in May.
Also, I'm happy because it's getting closer to our holiday and I can't wait to just get away for a few days. I don't mind if it rains, I just want a change of scenery and pace. I'm already thinking I don't want to come home and I've not even gone yet.
I guess that brings us on to the bad. Everything just seems to go wrong at home. I can't make our income stretch enough, the house feels over crowded and I'm just fed up of everyone else. I wish it was just me and my little ones. I hate complaining about my family but they are really getting me down lately. They do nothing, and I mean NOTHING, but they complain constantly, I've not washed this, my cooking stinks, why haven't I cleaned behind the tv (the wires were in a mess!) They are all constantly in bad moods and I'm sure they think it's my fault. They stay up all night and sleep all day and when they get up I can't wait to get to bed.
Graham spends more time around his mums house than he does here. He does help sometimes with the kids but he doesn't do much around the house, he never seems to have time. (He's always around his mums) My ex was the same (Well he wasn't around his mum's he was at a friends or in the pub) and I got into a habit of not expecting anything and doing everything myself. So I guess I'm partly to blame for letting him get away with it.
Oh, and I'm so fed up of his moaning and yelling, especially at the girls. Men!!
There never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
On a brighter note it's my neice's 18th birthday tomorrow and we are all going out for a family meal. I'm still trying to decide wether to take the girls with us. I will fret about them if I don't, they are not used to being left in the evenings, and if I have left them it's been with their dad. If they come I will have to be more alert, but they are generally well behaved so I'm not worried about them playing up. The worst thing will be if they get overtired, then they will just complain to come home. I'm jealous of women who can leave their children and go out and enjoy themselves, it's just not something I've ever been able to do. It caused problems with my ex as he always wanted to go out, but my current partner is ok with not going out much. I do get better when they are older, although past experiences with my older children have made me even more wary. Sadly, I've had a bad experience when I've left them (my older kids) with someone I completely trusted. I know sometimes you have to trust but it's hard especially when it's your children you are trusting people to care for. They're my children and I'm the one who should be looking after them, but does that mean I'm not allowed to enjoy myself occasionally? Oh parenting can be so difficult sometimes.
Whatever I decide at least I know there is a nice meal to be had, and one I don't have to cook or wash up after.
Saturday, 10 April 2010
I've had quite a busy week this week with Lucy being off school, good job I've been feeling better, although I wasn't at the beginning of the week and had to go to drs on Tuesday. Not feeling too bad at all now, just hope it lasts.
Wednesday we were going to the fair but it was a bit dull and looked like rain so we put it off and went to Toys R Us instead. The idea was to give the girls somewhere to run around and get excited and maybe let them buy a little something, while I perused all the baby stuff. When we got there the store was under reconstruction and all the toys were in a huge tent in the carpark!! Still it was plenty big enough for the girls to have fun and spend an age choosing, but downside was the babystuff was limited to one shelf. I did buy a changing bag which was full of useful stuff. Another few things off my massive shopping list crossed.
Thursday we actually went to the kiddie fair with a friend and her two girls. The weather was lovely and the girls had a great time. You would think with all that fun and fresh air they would be exhausted when we got home but they ended up staying awake much later than usual. I don't think I'll ever understand kids.
Friday was my day to be a taxi driver for the big kids. So I was in and out all day. Graham promised to take the girls to the park but then dissapeared for hours coming home just before tea time. The girls had to make do with playing in the garden.
Saturday, today, we went to a local shopping centre so I could pick up a birthday present for my neices 18th next week. Then we went to the park which the girls loved.
Tomorrow it's shopping day, the girls can go and spend some time with their nan, children and Sainsburys are a match made in hell.
Haven't got any plans for next week but I hope we can get out and about again, fingers crossed the weather stays nice.
Monday, 29 March 2010
Anyway, after much discussion, Graham and I came up with a name we both liked and it's stuck and now I'm going to announce it here only, just for my loyal blog readers. So if you find it out here I don't mind if you say to me elsewhere, I like/don't like your name for the baby, but please don't tell it to anyone else. Bit sneaky I know but I'm curious to know which of my friends read my blog too.
So here you go, my secret is now yours too and we are going to call our little man, Joseph.
Middle name might be Alva, I'm not overly keen but it's a name passed down through Graham's family and he wants to use it. I think it should be up to his brother to use it for his child (currently expecting one too) as it's his brother's middle name. Graham's middle name is Alan and I would quite like that, but we'll see.
Friday, 26 March 2010
I cheered up later after seeking advice and decided that there was no point in being pessimistic, it was just as likely that I could carry this baby to term and I was going with the positive mental attitude all the way!
Then on Tuesday morning I woke up and felt so ill. I couldn't do anything and had to get Graham up to take Lucy to school. I phoned the hospital and they told me to go in. It turned out I had an infection which was causing me pain, nausea and giving me a fever. It was also causing me to contract and push everything up against my lungs giving me an irregular heartbeat or arrhythmia. I could barely breathe.
So, I've been ill all week but now the anti-biotics are doing there job and I'm beginning to feel more human again. The arrhythmia continues which is a little worrying as well as annoying but the pain is getting better.
Oh and did I say, It's a BOY!!!
Saturday, 20 March 2010
I think I was bullied into reading the Twilight series. I knew before I started that it was aimed at a much younger audience but I decided to take the plunge anyway. To be honest the main character, Bella Swan, really grates on me, she is way too emotional, but to give her a break, she is just a hormonal teenager. The rest of the characters are a little more likeable and I have to say Jacob Black is my favourite (what is it with me and werewolves, I don't even like dogs?) Once they get going the stories have some grit to them and I like the climatic endings. Pity the rest of the story couldn't be so intriguing instead of romantic slush. I'm ready to read the last book in the series now so wish me luck.
The third item on my current list (I say current because I'm sure to add more very soon,) is Heavy Rain for the PS3. I haven't even played it but I've watched it being played and it's one of the best games I've ever seen. The graphics are pretty fantastic and I love games where you have to work out what to do. Hey, it's 100 times more interesting to watch than Fifa10. (Or real life football in my opinion.)
So there you go, a new widget for my favourite books & games, and a bit of distraction from that thing we call real life for a change.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Anyway, with my Graham looking set to lose his job tomorrow, he hasn't even gone in today I think he's given up hope already, I'm so glad I started saving for babystuff early on. I worked it out that I will have enough money to buy everything new (along with the £190 maternity payment...or will I get £500 now that OH is unemployed???) So that's one less thing to worry about anyway.
We are also having a little holiday next month and that's paid for and spending money saved. And I have some money saved for a new (second hand) car along with the money I should get for selling mine, but that will be on the back burner now as it's not an essential. We will be a family of 7 and I only have a 5 seater car, but saying that it's incredibly rare that we all go out together, and come September I will have both my little girls at school/nursery. So I'm thinking maybe a 7 seater is not an absolute necessary item, although it would be nice.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.
At home, I had a lovely handmade card of my darling little Lucy and a couple of tulips from school. I bought Leila a card which she decorated beautifully for me. But as for my grown up kids, nothing, nada, zilch. Makes me think where I went wrong to be appreciated so little, it makes me feel very sad.
As for Graham, well he's just heard that he's probably going to lose his job next week. Oh Joy! It took him 3 years to find this job so we know how difficult it's going to be. Just before he started work again I was on the verge of ending our relationship as I'd had enough of him lounging around at home doing nothing, staying up all night on his PS3 and sleeping most of the day. I was at the end of my tether. I can handle him doing nothing to help when he's at work, but when he's not I find it really annoying. Fingers crossed for some miracle and he doesn't lose his job.
Happy Mothers Day indeed.
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
I know how he got out of the hutch, all this horrible weather we've been having had taken it's toll on the door frame which had become warped. He'd managed to bend it open without releasing the latch.
I don't like keeping caged animals but we'd been asked if we wanted a rabbit along with a hutch and I thought the girls would like it so I said yes. The girls did play with him for a little in the garden in the summer, but it was me who had most contact. I had grown fond of him and did feel sorry that he was cooped up most of the time. I kept his hutch clean and made sure he had extra bedding when it was cold. I loved the way he jumped around his hutch like a lunatic whenever I opened the back door because he knew he was going to get some attention or food. I actually felt a little betrayed that he had decided to make a run for it. Now I find I miss him and I am still hoping that he returns although it's looking very unlikely now. I've even got the neighbours looking out for him.
I won't be getting another rabbit.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
I wasn't all that phased, I had honestly been expecting it to be higher. I'm 44 so on age alone my risk is 1:35 and I have Downs in my family, other factors taken into account are wether you smoke (I don't) and if you are overweight (I'm not)
Taking a step back to the beginning of this pregnancy, it wasn't planned and with two little girls under 5 yrs one of my first thoughts was this is going to be tough. Then my second thought was, if there is anything wrong with this baby then it's going to be too tough. So straight away in my head I wanted to know if there was going to be a problem.
Then when the time came for the blood tests I'd my feelings towards this baby had changed somewhat. It didn't bother me that it was going to be tough looking after 3 little ones, and it bothered me less that I wouldn't be able to cope if there was anything wrong. I've never worried about it before, I always knew that if I had a disabled baby I would cope. Some people feel that way and some people don't. I would never judge anyone that felt differently and I guess that's why I had doubted myself at the start.
I went ahead with the blood tests because the midwife told me that if the results came back high risk I would get full support. That's what I had today. I went to the hospital for counselling with my OH. The lady we saw explained everything in detail, how they work out the tests, what each part means, and of course, the statistical value of my results, which she thought were not so bad too. She didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know (apart from the hospital statistics for miscarriage after amnio which were 1:200 not 1:100 as I'd assumed) but just hearing someone talk through everything methodically really helped sort out the confusion in my head.
I went in thinking that my chances of having a baby with DS was 1:110 against the chances of mc from amnio at 1:100 was a no brainer, don't test. But finding out the new figure did make me think again. However, what I really needed to think about was why I wanted to know, and how badly I needed to know.
The midwife told me to think of it as two worst case scenarios and way up which I would consider the one I really couldn't live with.
1. If I didn't have the amnio I could possibly have a child with Downs Syndrome.
2. If I had an amnio I could possibly miscarry a perfectly fine little baby.
The choice suddenly seemed easy. I really couldn't live with scenario 2. I also realised that no matter what, I couldn't terminate this baby. So now that was straight in my mind I decided I could live with not knowing for sure if this baby did actually have DS. I doesn't matter anymore, I'm not worried. I can happily spend the rest of this pregnancy knowing that there is a very small risk of a DS a baby.
NB: From now on I'm going to keep all the detailed babystuff to my pregnancy journal but I will still keep my readers here updated on the important stuff.
Saturday, 27 February 2010
So with Graham and the girls in tow we headed off to the city centre. First car park we tried was full, that's what you get for going on a Saturday, but I know my way around enough to know the quiet car parks so we soon found somewhere. The plan was to stay in the Bullring (huge shopping centre) but straight away OH was complaining about Leila's buggy (which was falling apart but I didnt' want to buy another as she'll be 3 and at nursery soon and hardly ever uses the buggy already.) So we went to Mothercare on the high street, only Mothercare had vanished. So we decided on Argos instead. Then we went back to the Bullring so I could buy my clothes. Already feeling tired I didn't try everything on and now I'm faced with returning items. The girls were moaning too, they wanted to go to the toy shop.
So next it was the toy shop, then lunch, then a browse around Pumpkin Patch. Then Graham decided he wanted a PS3 game which was new and hard to get, so 3 shops later and game in hand we were all fit to drop. Lucy did really well considering her bad knees, but she did have a swap and ride in the buggy while Leila had a walk. She had to have Iboprofen before bed to ease the pain and no doubt I'll be on massaging duty during the night.
On the way back to the car park I couldn't resist a quick browse in Mamas and Papas to look at prams/pushchairs. I was quite taken with the Luna and it's really well priced, but it's too soon for me to make big purchases yet. Also had a look at the Pilko Pramette, but not overly impressed.
Back home I started feeling twinges, which soon turned into aches and then had me reaching for the paracetamol because I could barely move. My groin and hips were agony. I didn't cook dinner, we had to have take out, and I've been lying down since girls went to bed. The pain is starting to ease now so I'm hoping to get some sleep soon. So much for thinking my SPD wasn't too bad this time, serves me right.
Also, I've been getting out of breath really quickly. I've always got like this towards the end of pregnancy when I'm really big, but I'm not even 17 weeks yet so it's unusual for me. Even tasks as simple as getting dressed leave me huffing and puffing, and I have to have a sit down if I go upstairs. The thought of another 23 weeks of this is depressing.
On the good side, I've not had a single spot of blood this pregnancy. I'm still nervous and checking all the time, but I'm hopeful that it's not going to happen, touch wood, fingers crossed, touch my collar, turn around, drink a glass of water upside down...err no that's hiccups, sorry.
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Anyway, I'm dealing with the bad stuff and looking forward to happier times. I applied for one of those cheap Sun holidays (from the newspaper The Sun) and this week we had a confirmation and we are going to Devon on 26th April for a 4 night holiday. I'm not a sun lover, so as long as it doesn't piddle down every day (or snow!) I'll be happy. I'm just glad to be getting away for a while, even if I will be the only driver. Definitely looking forward to it.
Next week I'm having my first appointment for my crown fitting. I have had a veneer on the tooth for the past 6 years but it came off and for some reason the new one just wouldn't stay on so my dentist recommended a crown instead. Never had a crown before, will it make me feel royal?
I'm also having an appointment for my blood tests to find out if there could be a possible health problem with Serge (the bump). I just know it's going to be a bad result because of my age alone the risk factor is 1:35 of having a baby with Downs Syndrome. Then I'll be asked if I want invasive testing to find out for sure....not something I really want to do. So my fingers, toes, and earlobes are crossed for a completely surprising excellent result from the blood tests.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
After an initial high I think my hormones have taken a surge and now I'm falling fast. I just don't think I can cope, everything I do takes so much effort and I don't really want to put any effort into anything, I just want to give up now and do nothing. There is so much going on in my head I can't sort it out, I can't sleep. I'm missing mum, I think she's the only person who ever really understood me.
After all these years (21) I so want to move out of this house, my home. I've always loved living here but now I feel like the walls are closing in on me. It's never been a big house, but now I just can't cope with how small it is. Maybe a major de-clutter would help but that would require effort and as I said before, effort is beyond me right now.
For now I'll just carry on regardless and hope that somehow things inside my brain start straightening up and I will be myself again.
Friday, 5 February 2010
I think it's the clearest scan picture I've had at this stage. I was bang on with the dates so that makes me 13 weeks and 4 days today, and Serge is due on 09 August 2010 (pity if I'd waited a month it would have been 08 09 10, or maybe I could just move to America!) Then again, babies rarely turn up on their due date, out of my current 4 only my 2nd arrived on her due date. Serge is currently due 13 days after Leila's birthday and 15 days before Lucy's, so it's going to be a close call anyway.
All is well with little Serge, who currently measures in at 7cm. The little heartbeat was visible and there was lots of movement. And I've put on about 8lb which isn't bad for the first 3 months, I think. Will have to watch I don't put it on any faster though.
Feeling much more relaxed now that I know all is well. I am excited about having this baby, I'm just a little worried about how I'll cope. And I really do need a bigger house and car!
Thursday, 4 February 2010
When I had my eldest two you didn't get a scan until 20 weeks and then you couldn't really see much. I just remember seeing a little jumping bean which was, apparently, the baby's heart beat. I didn't get pictures either because both times the printer wasn't working. So when I got to see Lucy on my first scan at 12 weeks I was shocked to see an actual baby, she was facing forward and you could see her facial features. Then the 20 week scan was so detailed it was just amazing. I've never had a 4D scan, I think they show a little too much detail, if you know what I mean? I like some surprises when the baby arrives.
I've decided to find out the sex of this baby. I did with Lucy and it was really nice knowing, but when I got pregnant with Leila I felt I'd missed out on the surprise of finding out after the birth. It's not quite the same when the midwife calls out 'it's a girl' and you've already known for 20 weeks and bought everything in pink. This time however, I just want to know. Maybe it will be a boy? I really don't mind although I know Graham would like a boy. But mainly I'm worried about future sleeping arrangements if it is male, I mean, how long would he be willing to share a bedroom with two sisters?
I so need a bigger house!
Anyway, I'm off to bed now with everything crossed that I won't be getting some nasty news tomorrow.
(oh, and for those of you who may not realise it, but I won't be finding out the sex tomorrow because it's too early to tell yet...I'm thinking here of maybe an alien that might be reading ;-)
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
So with just six months until I have to start all over again you are probably thinking that I am overjoyed with all the sleep I'm getting? Well, sorry to disappoint you but it's not that easy, I'm not sure if it's because I've not had a full night sleep in so long but I just can't do it. I wake at least four times a night. I can go back to sleep fairly quickly most times, but it still means that even though my girls are sleeping through the night, I'm not.
Then of course there is Lucy's knees. She will often cry in pain during the night and I have to sit massaging her for at least half an hour. I anticipate this to go on for a long time yet, but at least it's not every night, sometimes we can go for five or six days without any pain.
I'm supposing that soon it will be heartburn and cramp that keeps me awake at night, then it will be just being unable to get comfortable. I have so much to look forward to. :-(
Ok, I started positively and that's how I'm going to finish, I am truly happy that Leila is sleeping through, it's easier to relax (even if I can't sleep) when I can be confident that she's not going to be waking up throughout the night.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
I have also been re-united with Vicky (my car...who used to be called Vinnie until I realised that she just had to be female because of the mood swings)
Baby number 5 is growing well, I can't get into my jeans already. I'm seeing the midwife on Thursday and should be having my first scan in the next week or so. And I've made it this far without being sick, that's good!
I bought the girls some MoonSand yesterday and I think it was probably my worst move yet. They want to play with it all the time but it's messier than painting (although it's easier to clean up). They wanted it out last night 10 mins before bedtime, and this morning 1/2 hour before school, and I get tantrums when I say no. Fingers tightly crossed that the novelty wears off quick.
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
I have an appointment with my midwife next Thursday and hopefully my first scan the week after. It all seems to be going quick now, I still have to keep pinching myself because it's so hard to believe that I am pregnant.
We still have snow :-( Yet another downfall last night which made it deeper than ever and it's snowed lightly all day. I took Lucy to school and then went to the local shops with Leila. I was heading for the supermarket but the pushchair was so hard to push I gave up and went to a mini mart instead. Then when I got home and changed all my wet clothes, I got a text from the school saying they were closing due to the deteriorating weather and would I come and collect Lucy. I got Craig to look after Leila this time, I just couldn't face struggling with the pushchair again. Unless the weather is much better tomorrow (unlikely) I'm not even going to bother taking Lucy in.
On Friday I have to go into town with Craig and it looks like we may have to go on the bus, I just hope they grit the roads because the buses are having trouble now, the one Graham caught today got stuck on a hill, and the one home went a completely new route. Maybe, just maybe this sleet like snow we are having now will turn to rain and wash it all away. Fingers tightly crossed.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
I guess I'm in the same boat as everyone else but I'm getting a bit fed up of this snow now. I don't usually mind snow but it is so cold all the time. My heating bill is going to be shocking! Lucy had only 1 1/2 days at school last week and she gets so bored at home. And now, as I type there is more snow falling, on top of all the compacted ice. It makes me think about where it is all going to go when it starts to melt. It's bound to be messy.
The new year was more difficult for me than Christmas. Mum's birthday was 2nd January, so I took a large bouquet of flowers to the cemetery for her and it made me so much sadder than the last time I went. Then there was the anniversary of Simeon's death on the 3rd. My oldest brother was having a hard time too, I had an emotional phone call from him on the 2nd. But talking of brothers, I've heard nothing off my middle brother Kevin. I sent him a Christmas card and a text to say Happy New Year, but not heard a pip back from him. Checking the flowers on the grave I think he may have been responsible for the 4 single roses, wrapped individually, one for each family member. It's hard to tell though because there was a few things without tags.
I've been meaning to visit my auntie, but with the girls being ill over Christmas and then this horrid weather (which I refuse to drive in) I haven't made it yet. My family is getting smaller and I feel so cut off from those left sometimes. Still, I have my own family to look after and that's getting bigger!