Monday, 29 March 2010

Baby's Name

Now I'm going against my own better judgement here because I wanted to keep our little man's name under wrap until after the birth. The only people who know so far are me, Graham and Cassie. I was quite surprised that Cassie liked the name, she didn't like Lucy or Leila but they grew on her eventually.
Anyway, after much discussion, Graham and I came up with a name we both liked and it's stuck and now I'm going to announce it here only, just for my loyal blog readers. So if you find it out here I don't mind if you say to me elsewhere, I like/don't like your name for the baby,  but please don't tell it to anyone else. Bit sneaky I know but I'm curious to know which of my friends read my blog too.
So here you go, my secret is now yours too and we are going to call our little man, Joseph.

Middle name might be Alva, I'm not overly keen but it's a name passed down through Graham's family and he wants to use it. I think it should be up to his brother to use it for his child (currently expecting one too) as it's his brother's middle name. Graham's middle name is Alan and I would quite like that, but we'll see.

Friday, 26 March 2010

What a Week!

Well, it's been an eventful week. I woke on Monday feeling excited but a little apprehensive as it was time for my 20 week scan. It all was going well and we found out we were having a little boy!! But then I was asked to come back for another look in 40 minutes as there were some things she couldn't see. We went off excited that we were having a boy but a little worried that something was wrong. When we went back it turned out that baby was fine, phew! However, they spotted a couple of problems with me and a discussion with my consultant afterwards scared me half to death when he said he couldn't be sure I would be able to carry this baby to full term. I won't go into all the medical stuff here, you can check my pregnancy journal for that but I came out feeling really miserable.

I cheered up later after seeking advice and decided that there was no point in being pessimistic, it was just as likely that I could carry this baby to term and I was going with the positive mental attitude all the way!

Then on Tuesday morning I woke up and felt so ill. I couldn't do anything and had to get Graham up to take Lucy to school. I phoned the hospital and they told me to go in. It turned out I had an infection which was causing me pain, nausea and giving me a fever. It was also causing me to contract and push everything up against my lungs giving me an irregular heartbeat or arrhythmia. I could barely breathe.

So, I've been ill all week but now the anti-biotics are doing there job and I'm beginning to feel more human again. The arrhythmia continues which is a little worrying as well as annoying but the pain is getting better.

Oh and did I say, It's a BOY!!!

Saturday, 20 March 2010

New Widget

I've just added a new widget to the side of my blog. I wish I had more time for reading, I've always been a prolific reader but it's not so easy when you've got children running around and if I read at night I tend to fall asleep. I do try to make the time to continue reading though and my favourites list is bound to grow. At the moment I'm stuck in a fantasy Vampire, Werewolf, Ghost type world of fiction. I've been reading Kelley Armstrong books for ages and I just love her Otherworld stories and characters. I think the werewolves are my favourite but I do have a soft spot for the necromancer Jaime Vagas. She writes a really good storyline with just enough scary stuff not to give you nightmares but thankful that you don't live in that 'otherworld.'

I think I was bullied into reading the Twilight series. I knew before I started that it was aimed at a much younger audience but I decided to take the plunge anyway. To be honest the main character, Bella Swan, really grates on me, she is way too emotional, but to give her a break, she is just a hormonal teenager. The rest of the characters are a little more likeable and I have to say Jacob Black is my favourite (what is it with me and werewolves, I don't even like dogs?) Once they get going the stories have some grit to them and I like the climatic endings. Pity the rest of the story couldn't be so intriguing instead of romantic slush. I'm ready to read the last book in the series now so wish me luck.

The third item on my current list (I say current because I'm sure to add more very soon,) is Heavy Rain for the PS3. I haven't even played it but I've watched it being played and it's one of the best games I've ever seen. The graphics are pretty fantastic and I love games where you have to work out what to do. Hey, it's 100 times more interesting to watch than Fifa10. (Or real life football in my opinion.)

So there you go, a new widget for my favourite books & games, and a bit of distraction from that thing we call real life for a change.

Monday, 15 March 2010

When it's spring again.......

It's so sunny today and it's not really cold either, for the first time I have the windows open instead of the heating on. Could this be the first signs of spring? I sure hope so, I havent' bought any maternity jumpers and my big baggy jumpers I've been wearing so far are not exactly big and baggy anymore!!

Anyway, with my Graham looking set to lose his job tomorrow, he hasn't even gone in today I think he's given up hope already, I'm so glad I started saving for babystuff early on. I worked it out that I will have enough money to buy everything new (along with the £190 maternity payment...or will I get £500 now that OH is unemployed???) So that's one less thing to worry about anyway.

We are also having a little holiday next month and that's paid for and spending money saved. And I have some money saved for a new (second hand) car along with the money I should get for selling mine, but that will be on the back burner now as it's not an essential. We will be a family of 7 and I only have a 5 seater car, but saying that it's incredibly rare that we all go out together, and come September I will have both my little girls at school/nursery. So I'm thinking maybe a 7 seater is not an absolute necessary item, although it would be nice.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Mothers Day

Not my favourite day of the year, I miss my mum so much. I bought her some flowers and even managed to find a special laminated, in memory, Mothers Day card to go on her grave. I would give anything to see her or even speak to her just one more time. I find life hard without my lovely mum.

Thought of you today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday,and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake,with which I'll never part.
God has you in his keeping, I have you in my heart.

At home, I had a lovely handmade card of my darling little Lucy and a couple of tulips from school. I bought Leila a card which she decorated beautifully for me. But as for my grown up kids, nothing, nada, zilch. Makes me think where I went wrong to be appreciated so little, it makes me feel very sad.

As for Graham, well he's just heard that he's probably going to lose his job next week. Oh Joy! It took him 3 years to find this job so we know how difficult it's going to be. Just before he started work again I was on the verge of ending our relationship as I'd had enough of him lounging around at home doing nothing, staying up all night on his PS3 and sleeping most of the day. I was at the end of my tether. I can handle him doing nothing to help when he's at work, but when he's not I find it really annoying. Fingers crossed for some miracle and he doesn't lose his job.

Happy Mothers Day indeed.

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Lost: Brown Bunny!

Yesterday I discovered our rabbit was missing. I went out to feed him as I do every morning and his cage was open and empty. I searched the garden but to no avail, I have no idea how he got out of the garden and was convinced he was hiding somewhere, but he's not returned so far, despite my leaving him goodies to eat.
I know how he got out of the hutch, all this horrible weather we've been having had taken it's toll on the door frame which had become warped. He'd managed to bend it open without releasing the latch.

I don't like keeping caged animals but we'd been asked if we wanted a rabbit along with a hutch and I thought the girls would like it so I said yes. The girls did play with him for a little in the garden in the summer, but it was me who had most contact. I had grown fond of him and did feel sorry that he was cooped up most of the time. I kept his hutch clean and made sure he had extra bedding when it was cold. I loved the way he jumped around his hutch like a lunatic whenever I opened the back door because he knew he was going to get some attention or food. I actually felt a little betrayed that he had decided to make a run for it. Now I find I miss him and I am still hoping that he returns although it's looking very unlikely now. I've even got the neighbours looking out for him.

I won't be getting another rabbit.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

I Made A Decision

Yesterday I was thinking about my results from my triple blood tests and as it had been a whole week since I'd had them done and not heard anything then surely I was in for some good news. Then the midwife phoned and told me although I was in the clear for neural defects like spina bifida, I was high risk for downs with a score of 1:110

I wasn't all that phased, I had honestly been expecting it to be higher. I'm 44 so on age alone my risk is 1:35 and I have Downs in my family, other factors taken into account are wether you smoke (I don't) and if you are overweight (I'm not)

Taking a step back to the beginning of this pregnancy, it wasn't planned and with two little girls under 5 yrs one of my first thoughts was this is going to be tough. Then my second thought was, if there is anything wrong with this baby then it's going to be too tough. So straight away in my head I wanted to know if there was going to be a problem.

Then when the time came for the blood tests I'd my feelings towards this baby had changed somewhat. It didn't bother me that it was going to be tough looking after 3 little ones, and it bothered me less that I wouldn't be able to cope if there was anything wrong. I've never worried about it before, I always knew that if I had a disabled baby I would cope. Some people feel that way and some people don't. I would never judge anyone that felt differently and I guess that's why I had doubted myself at the start.

I went ahead with the blood tests because the midwife told me that if the results came back high risk I would get full support. That's what I had today. I went to the hospital for counselling with my OH. The lady we saw explained everything in detail, how they work out the tests, what each part means, and of course, the statistical value of my results, which she thought were not so bad too. She didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know (apart from the hospital statistics for miscarriage after amnio which were 1:200 not 1:100 as I'd assumed) but just hearing someone talk through everything methodically really helped sort out the confusion in my head.

I went in thinking that my chances of having a baby with DS was 1:110 against the chances of mc from amnio at 1:100 was a no brainer, don't test. But finding out the new figure did make me think again. However, what I really needed to think about was why I wanted to know, and how badly I needed to know.

The midwife told me to think of it as two worst case scenarios and way up which I would consider the one I really couldn't live with.

1. If I didn't have the amnio I could possibly have a child with Downs Syndrome.

2. If I had an amnio I could possibly miscarry a perfectly fine little baby.

The choice suddenly seemed easy. I really couldn't live with scenario 2. I also realised that no matter what, I couldn't terminate this baby. So now that was straight in my mind I decided I could live with not knowing for sure if this baby did actually have DS. I doesn't matter anymore, I'm not worried. I can happily spend the rest of this pregnancy knowing that there is a very small risk of a DS a baby.

NB: From now on I'm going to keep all the detailed babystuff to my pregnancy journal but I will still keep my readers here updated on the important stuff.