Saturday, 23 April 2011

Thursday was a bad day, it started bad and ended bad but in completely different ways. Throughout the day I had arguments with Cassie, Craige and Graham. I had a miserable teething baby who just wouldn't shut up. I lost my tv and internet for several hours, which is unthinkable in our house. Then finally when all was peaceful I settled to watch a dvd I'd been waiting to watch and the bloody thing wouldn't work.

I don't think I've had more than four hours of sleep all week and sometimes I think I'm going crazy Im so tired.

On Friday I decided I had to get out, so I rustled up a picnic and me and Graham took the girls for a walk to feed the ducks and paddle in a stream. We were out for 3 hours with no arguing or moaning and it was all really nice. Of course when we got back Graham was suffering from withdrawel symptoms and went straight around his mums.

This morning I woke up feeling really down. I can't even explain why, I just felt that I couldn't go on anymore and that everyone would be much happier without me. I figured the little ones would do better to lose me now than to risk growing up anything like me. I feel my time is fast running out and I've achieved so little.

Then I came to my senses and had a good cleaning and ironing session while Joseph had a nap. Made me feel much better. The rest of the day hasn't been too bad. Hey I even got extra change in the supermarket, how often does that happen. I know, if I was a honest person I'd have given it back as soon as I realised but it meant I could afford Easter eggs for the girls so sod the Co-Op!

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

A Day In the Life

Not so much a day in the life, but my life in general.

At this time Joseph is the biggest part of my life, he takes up most of my time and steals most of my sleep. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't even think straight. I long for him to start sleeping through the night, but at the same time I'm just so used to not sleeping I don't think I would be able to sleep anyway even if he did.
He is so gorgeous though, I'd forgive him anything. I just love everything about him. He's turned my life upside down but I wouldn't be without him, he was sent for a reason and I love him so much.

I'm convinced that Lucy has Asperger's syndrome even though she doesn't have an official diagnosis yet. So far life with her is easy so long as we don't try to get her to do anything new. She's a good girl really, and easy to look after. I know things will probably get more difficult, I know with  my eldest son that his problems didn't really start until he reached his pre-teens. At least having been through it once I know what to expect now. I just hope she doesn't suffer much prejudice or persecution.

Leila is a sweetie, she really makes me laugh sometimes, she's the family clown. She is very demanding though, she can't go five minutes without asking me for something, and it's usually something to eat. She is jealous of Joseph, which is understandable, but you can see she loves him too.

Cassie is currently my biggest problem. She is undergoing assessment for Bi-Polar. Her mood swings are really difficult to live with. She has a high rise bed so you can hear her drop down from it when you are downstairs, and often that sound alone is enough to put me on edge. I have no idea what to expect from her when she gets downstairs, and even if it's not bad it can change in a instant. I'm playing it by ear, I've put up with it for years but still don't know how to deal with her. She's still alive so I suppose I've done something right. I worry about her so much it makes me feel ill.

Craige is currently going through quite a peaceful stage in his life, we rarely have those huge temper tantrums he used to have regularly, his mood is fairly predictable. Of course his little idiosyncrasies can be annoying at times but I've had plenty of time to get used to him know. I do know how to deal with him. (Although there was that incident a couple of weeks ago at 3am, *sigh*)

Graham is out of work and depressed, or something! Our relationship has taken a nose dive because he has become incredibly moody. Sometimes I don't know who is worse out of him and Cassie. And they clash with each other too, with me in the middle. He still spends more time around his mum's house than he does at home, he still stays up until 3 or 4am, he still has little regards for my feelings and doesn't know how to say sorry. He still says he loves me but I don't believe him anymore. I don't know what we are doing together we just bring each other down all the time.

And me? I still do everything around the house, I still have to manage the household finances on my own, I have to keep the peace, I have to please everyone, I have very little time to myself, I am running out of dreams and hopes, I'm so tired I don't know if I'm coming or going, I'm so worried I get scared to think.

I often think they would all be better off without me.
I often think they wouldn't cope at all without me.

The Smile

I looked for him across the crowd and when I saw him he was already staring at me.

Then he smiled, such a warm and friendly smile, a genuine smile that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And I smiled back, not just with my face but from deep within, from the warm and fuzzy feeling he'd given to me.

Then I looked away.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Losing My Memory

I seem to be having trouble with my short term memory. Surely I am too young for it to be an age thing? My long term memory is fine, it's everyday things I'm having problems with and sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy. I'm always writing stuff down, working things out on good old tradtional paper, but sometimes I read something I've written and I don't have a clue what I was thinking of at the time. I'm hoping it's a temprorary hitch, perhaps related to this low patch I've been going through.