Saturday, 22 October 2011

Wanted- A New Home

I've been looking for a new home for my large family for ages now. When I decided to have more children, my older children were already young teenagers and I honestly thought that they would be moving on, going to university, getting married, basically just moving out. They didn't. They are still home, now in their 20's but I fully understand why they are still here, hindsight is a wonderful impossible thing.
So the situation is, four adults and three children in a three bedroomed house. Our kitchen is tiny, so is our bathroom. We are falling over each other, it's impossible to find any peace. And I'm sharing a bedroom with my partner and three small children. No wonder I complain about not getting any sleep, wouldn't you?
I've lived here 22 years now and I have to say I love living here. The street is lovely, the local shops are great, the school is close and great, there is a really good local bus service and the train station is a 20 minute walk. You can even walk to the huge new super hospital in 15 mins (And the maternity hospital)
If I could knock down a couple of walls and build a couple of extra bedrooms in the attic, I'd happily stay here forever.

The other day I was invited to put a bid in for the chance of a newly refurbished 6 bedroomed house. The chosen family will be filmed for channel 4 explaining their current housing condition, viewing the new house before the re-furbishment and then moving into the new house. I would say my chances of being chosen were very small, but what a fantastic opportunity.
Paulo Coelho said "If you want something all the universe conspires in helping you acheive it"
I want a bigger house, I was given this chance.....will the universe conspire in helping me get it?

I'll let you know!

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Back Together

I've decided to take Graham back and give our relationship another go.
Not a decision I made lightly but one that I'm sure is right. This has been the longest we've been apart since we met 11 years ago and I think we needed a break. Our relationship had hit rock bottom, he truly believed I didn't love him anymore, and I don't know if I did.We can all make excuses for our mistakes but sometimes we have to look at the real reasons behind what we do. I must still love him because I wouldn't have taken him back again.
I haven't given him any conditions on his return, and I've told him he doesn't need to earn my trust because I'm just going to trust him anyway, all he has to do is prove me right. We've talked loads and made lots of changes in our lifestyle. If we really want it to work it will. If it doesn't then it's obvious that we just didn't want it enough.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

The Grave

I've not spoken about the grave for a while now, but I still visit regularly. I go off to visit my family down the cemetary, at least they are all in the same place. It would be nice to think they are together.

Anyway, I took some flowers down for mum and as usual the grave was full of 'pretend' flowers. I don't really like them but have to admit they do look nice, and the grave looks well cared for. Originally I thought my aunt only wanted to put fake flowers on so she didn't have to visit so often, but it's obvious that she visits all the time, the flowers are regularly replaced and never look tired or worn. And they do stay looking nicer for longer than fresh flowers even though they don't smell so good. I like to take my real flowers for the pot on the headstone, I know they will be wilted within a few days but it's my way.

So, I figured I needed a good old chat with my mum. I do this often, although the chats are one-sided it always helps. But this time it didn't. It suddenly hit me that mum isn't here anymore. I can talk to her all I like but I will never know if she can hear or not, and I never get a reply. I needed advice but mum was gone and couldn't help me. I needed a hug but she just wasn't there. I can full well imagine exactly what she would say but it's not the same.

Suddenly I felt very very alone.

Things have changed a lot since that day, but I'll stop for now and write more soon.