Wednesday 29 August 2012

When I realise

I'm having a time of realisation lately, like I've been living in a bubble and not understanding what is around me, then suddenly I realise what's really going on.
I have so many things locked up inside that I just can't talk about. Why? Because it would be like bursting the bubble and letting it all out and I'm not ready to face the consequences. Time and time again I just want to say what I feel but I can't, because what I really feel is selfish and I'm not a selfish person. I don't want to hurt anyone just so I can be happy. To be really happy I would have to hurt a few people and I'm not prepared to do that. If I caused pain and distress to others I wouldn't be happy anyway. So I'm doomed when it comes to being happy, I  just have to make do with what I have, make the best of it and pretend to be happy. I've had enough practice, I've had to make do all my life.
Regrets, I have more than a few, but no point in dwelling on them, what has passed is over, no point in wishing you could change what you can't. But I can deal with that, what I can't deal with is the future.

So I live day by day, I count my blessings and I ask God to guide me in my decisions. Then I try to save myself from myself.

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