Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Forwards, Backward, Up and Down

I've been looking backwards a lot lately. I do this sometimes and I wonder if it's because I'm too scared to look forward? Maybe it's time to face my demons?
Today I got a letter from the council turning down my appeal for more housing points on medical grounds. Despite having two disabled household members and one with a mental illness, it doesn't mean anything to them. They think it's ok for all seven of us to be living in a small three bedroomed house. I'd like to see how they get on, see if it has any affect on them, let alone someone with disabilities or illness. So now it's the end of the line, I've tried everything but we are stuck here. Unless we can rent privately, which we can't because I've tried just about everywhere local. Being so close to a university means that all the bigger houses are converted and rented out to students. The only houses on offer to families are three bedroomed ones. We could move out of the area but that would be a big thing especially to Craige and Lucy who don't want to move anyway. Anyway, that's just one thing. We are stuck here and we have to make the most of it. Something I actually came to terms with a while ago and  set about sprucing the place up. Only that hasn't worked out too well because I just can't get the help I need.
Living space aside I also worry about my kids futures. Craige is currently working hard towards his accountancy degree. Will he get a job afterwards? who knows, I hope so because he has worked so hard. In fact I've never seen him work so hard at anything else before. He has talked to me about leaving home but I'm not so sure he'd cope. Maybe with the right help he might, at the moment it's just something else for me to worry about.
Lucy is starting to have more problems at school, the kids have started to notice that she's a little different and she is being treated differently by the teachers. Will she be bullied as she gets older? Will she be able to cope with school as the work and routine gets more complicated?
Cassie is not getting the help she needs. The doors keep getting closed on her no matter what she tries. Give her some pills and watch she doesn't top herself seems to be the answer of the day, every day!
Leila, bless her, is my little princess. She is such a sweet child but, even though I hate saying this about my own child, she's really not that bright. She struggles with her school work and struggles to understand basically everything around her. She just seems to be getting worse than better as she gets older. I have always thought she has a problem with her hearing, but her test came back as ok. She just doesn't seem to hear, or pehaps it's listen, I don't know. If I ignore everyone else I might have the time to figure it out.
Joseph is my gorgeous little boy, full of charm and everyone loves him. I'm just waiting for someone else to notice the things about him I notice, or rather I'm just waiting and hoping that I'm totally wrong.
I can't go into my relationship. I don't know what's going on there. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
So why should I think of the future, things are not so good now and I can't see them improving only getting worse and that scares me.

Friday, 7 September 2012


Tonight I pulled out a diary at random from my pile in the wardrobe, it was 1993.
I must have been much younger then because I was incredibly active. I complained a lot about being stuck in front of the telly when in actual fact I was off to the pub at least twice a week. I had a circle of babysitting friends and we used to share each others kids, which meant lots of nights out. Also, I'd go out all day while the kids, then aged four and five, were at school and then out again after school with the kids. Phew, did I ever sit down? When did I have time for the housework?
This was the year that eldest son's asthma started. The first time he had an attack I had no idea what was going on, I just knew he was poorly enough to warrant a home visit from the GP. The result was an injection of ventolin which seemed to do the trick. A couple of months later another attack had him admitted to hospital for four days on a drip. A very scary time and one that made me and his dad pack up smoking as we were convinced we were to blame. He had a few more hospital visits but his asthma got a lot better as he got older.
My daughter had a birthday party in the church hall and it cost us £12 to hire it!! Just saying because I know it costs £70 now.
My husband was a cab driver at the time but he didn't work much throughout the year, he had car problems, lots of them, and an illness which put him in hospital (something to do with his tonsils that got so bad he had to have them out as an emergency operation) and a mental breakdown. He was drinking heavily day and night and would often crawl home around 4a.m So not a good year for him (or me) We had lots of arguments usually connected to his drinking and staying out, but also the other way around. There is one account of him rearing up at me because I was wearing nail varnish. Funny, I don't remember it being so bad :-(
August 29th we went to church to renew our wedding vows. It was his idea. Two years previously he'd left me for another woman (well, girl really, she was only 18) and he said that because he'd broken his vows he wanted to make them again to prove how much he loved me. I just wanted him to prove it by not drinking so much and staying out all night.

Also in 1993 I was doing my Open University degree, I think it was my first year and I was very keen. This seem to annoy my husband even more as there were a few arguments over my studying. The film Educating Rita came to mind, only my tutor was a lovely mild mannered silver haired old man who was probably not an alcoholic!! I know my husband hated the fact that I was trying to get a better education, he would say that I was only doing it so I could get away from him. I didn't give it up though and achieved my degree in 1998, by which time my husband had left me for another woman (this time a little older)

Monday, 3 September 2012

Back to School and stuff

Today was the girls first day back at school after the long summer holiday. Last night Lucy was really stressed out, crying and begging us not to take her. This morning she was fine and excited about going back!!  (the only blip was when her dad told her that her best friend wouldn't be there, we had a few more tears then :-(
They went to school fine. The school wasn't really prepared though. First the gates were locked and we had to walk around the block to the other side of the school. Then they couldn't open the doors and the children were all waiting to get in while the teacher were rushing around inside like headless chickens looking for the keys. They got in eventually and when we went to pick them up they were all smiles saying they had had a good day. Lucy likes her new teacher, fortunately she's already really familiar with her as she is the school's SENCO (special education needs co-ordinator) Leila also likes her new teacher. I do worry about Leila, sometimes more than Lucy, as she seems locked in a completely different world to anyone else, she is a happy little girl though (mostly)

It was a bit of a surprise having their dad get up to go to school with them. That probably won't happen to often as he doesn't like getting up in the morning. After the school run I came back to do a little housework and then we went out. We did a little shopping and then I took some flowers down to the grave. It's the first time I've been to visit since I saw it stripped  off last time, it's still a bit of a shock. Fresh flowers always make a grave look nicer though. Near the gates is the plaque for my step-dad. I used to leave him flowers but they are so expensive it's difficult enough to afford to make our grave look good and there are never any to spare. Today I felt really guilty because tomorrow it's the 33rd anniversary of my step-dad Desmond's death. I remember it so well, it was the day I'd gone back to school, 2nd yr senior, and he'd been building a patio in our garden. On the night I was woken up by my mum screaming for me. I went into the bedroom and saw instantly that my step-dad was dead. Mum was telling me to get an ambulance. The ambulance came but as I already knew, there was nothing they could do. That night comes back to haunt me frequently. I will take flowers for him next time, or maybe a little plant. He was a lovely man and made my mum very happy for the few years they had together. (caused a bit of a stir at the time too, my nan fell out with my mum because she started dating Desmond just a year after my dad died)

I digress! The rest of my day followed with lunch in a cafe that Graham and I used to visit a lot from when I was expecting Lucy until I had Leila. We would go there every Saturday for lunch. It felt strange going there with Joseph today. After lunch we did a little shopping. I visited one shop that was in the old Jobcentre, that was a little strange.

When we got home I kind of slumped a little. I'm feeling much better now, but sometimes my head thinks too much! I have so much crap going around in there I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes.